The Important Work

C.S.Lewis is credited with saying that children are not a distraction from the more important work, they are the important work. Or something to that effect. I repeat this to myself daily. Everyday I require this reminder. My kids mean the world to me, but the world doesn't care that my kids need me. The world says, "your kids need you to put food on the table and a roof over their heads". My kids say, "we need mommy and daddy to spend quality time with us".

In this life that we lead there is the very big reality that most of the time one of us is not available to our children, when our children need/want us. I had a moment recently that exposed a very difficult situation for a lot of people, and myself too. Since the hubs has been at school our son has developed a bit of separation anxiety. Preschool is fine, but Awana and church are sticky situations. I now sit in the nursery, for all of first service, so that he can get over the anxiety he initially feels and have fun again before I head into the second service. I don't actually mind this, but it took me a bit to figure out how to handle his anxiety at church. At Awana...I haven't got that entirely figured out. And in this moment it really showed. I raced us to Awana just a little early, in case there was a melt down, and he got out of the car fine but as we walked up to the Cubbies room he lost it. Stopped, sobbing hysterically, in the driving rain...mommy was not pleased. All of my mommy powers engaged to get him under the awning so we could talk and not get soaking wet. However, just as I had gotten us under the awning and I am crouched down to his level and asking him why he doesn't want to go (after listening to him beg to go to Cubbies for HOURS) a volunteer (whom I have never met) interrupts us and asks me (in a short and rude manner) if I got the text message about it being "Father-Son Night". My immediate reaction was...less than graceful. No, I did not get a text message and my husband is in the military and on the other side of the country: right now I'm trying to take care of my son and he is way more important than this conversation.  Ya...I'm winning bitch points here. Two things collided: 1) poor attitude and bad timing on the volunteer's part and 2) exhausted warn out mom. The volunteer took some offense to my comment and went to get the director. Cool beans. In the meantime I have collected my daughter and cell phone and have engaged my husband in a video chat to help get our son over this anxiety. All good, he wants to stay for Cubbies and now I have to address the situation with the Awana director. He was very kind and started to explain that there was no offense intended in the evening and they would love for our son to be involved, even though his dad is not here. I told him that I'm sure my son love to be involved and that I took no offense to the night-the volunteer simply had epically bad timing given the situation. He agreed and we got my son to where he needed to be and a friend's husband took Z-Man for the evening's festivities.

Here is what happened: high school volunteer doesn't understand that she needs to wait before engaging the parent of a child having a meltdown, mom is exhausted and can really only focus on one thing at a time, preschooler is loosing his mind because he misses daddy, and volunteer doesn't know how to ddress the situation once she has the bigger picture. Most people don't know how. There is the inclination to say, "oh those poor military children who's parents are away so much. They are missing out on so much and don't have good relationships with their military parent." These are the messages that military children hear: they are broken, they are missing out, they are not normal. When people are faced with the reality of military separations they don't really know how to help the parent and child(ren) at home thrive in this season. Let me make it clear, I aim to thrive (and misbehave)-NOT survive. 

April is Military Child Month. This is month for celebrate resiliency of military children, scholarships are awarded to this effect as well during this month. I won't lie, someday I hope 1 of my children will win that scholarship. But that is small beans compared to the bigger issue we are faced with. How do civilians interact with military kids and the mentality that we are all broken? The truth is, the military community knows that our kids aren't broken. We know how strong and amazing our kids are. We brag on them left and right. We know how difficult all of this is and we try to help ease the pain but they somehow end up amazing us and helping us instead. But the rest of the community...they could learn a thing or two from the women I have come to call my friends. The rules haven't changed for my son. He still has a nap time, bed time, he still must say please/thank you/excuse me/yes, he must listen or face the consequences for disobedience. The consequences haven't even changed. Though, if something isn't working the hubs and I discuss it and come up with a new tactic. No one pities my son. No one thinks he is broken. At least not in the community of people that are core to our day to day lives. But that day, that high school volunteer? It was all over her face. This child is broken by his absentee father. I didn't immediately let myself process her face; I would have never been able to control my temper if I had. But after I had a moment I did process her face, the body language that immediately changed, the whole picture. This girl thinks my child is broken. He is not broken. He is fierce. And damn it he wants to go to Hawaii, because he knows he gets his daddy back when we move again. He isn't broken. And neither is any other military kid; at least not because their parent(s) in the service. 

So each day, I have to remind myself that I am doing the important work of raising my kids. Some days I am a single mom with long distance emotional support, and some days I am just mom and dad is right there. But every single day I am 1/2 of the parenting team that supports and grows my military children. My husband has been working at carving a pine wood derby car to send our son for this up coming week's race, and the other week the OIC where we are stationed taught my son how to throw a baseball. You see, my son isn't broken because of the military. His life is filled with more role models and a better support team because of the military. So if you're a civilian reading this and you think military kids are broken, please rethink your position. Because they are anything but broken. 

Will you just fucking relax!?

I cannot tell you how many times my husband probably screams in his head that I need to relax. I cannot tell you, not because I don't know, but because I've lost count. I suppose if you counted it 1 for every second that he is awake that would be a general idea of how often he thinks this. I am sure that a lot women feel this way. Or men. Because I tell him to calm the fuck down a lot as well. If he's home, odds are that I have said it to myself every second I'm awake and verbalized it at least twice. It's a mutual theme in our family and marriage: RELAX, CHILL OUT, CALM THE FUCK DOWN, ROLL WITH IT.

We weren't always like this. We were not always uptight stuffy types. Seriously. We weren't. We used to go on camping trips all over the state. Not super structured ones. I remember all of them. I remember when he forgot to pack my tent poles when he was packing for us and we had to sleep in the car. I remember taking him all over the state to see the beautiful and amazing things I love about our state and we went to Pinnacles National Monument and the mosquitoes were so thick we barely made it through dinner before retreating to the car. I remember when he took me and the wonder dog to Dillons Beach and the unexpected cows. I remember when we were on Soda Lake Road out on the Carrizo Plains and he was flipping out that I was driving too fast so I applied the break at the wrong moment and had to keep the suv from flipping. That particular moment stands out as the reason why we don't backseat drive each other. We used to have 2 hours between jobs and run to the local quarry to get some bouldering in, or worked half days and got out for a quick hike. Day off? Grab the snowshoes and hit the snowed over trails with the wonder dog. We used to be laid back and easy going. As long as our bills were paid we were good. And then...we had kids. No joke.

I had this idea that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and home school my kids. I had big big BIG plans for our family. We would still be bohemians that only worried about paying bills and getting to the next adventure. We would drive all over the country and teach our kids all about our natural world and we would have awesome hippy kids that can send a 5.14 by age 9, thru - hiked the JMT with us by the age of 5, and eventually be able to identify trees by their leaves, nuts, bark, or pinecones. I had big, delusional dreams. Then I had my son. My amazing and beautiful son.

He and his little sister are the lights of my world. I want all the same things for them but do you know what happens when you become a mom? Forget the metaphorical monsters and pitfalls in life, the hormonal changes that make you suddenly hyper aware that your child is 3 inches from a ledge of a 4" high step. And then I start to reign in the crazy. I'm not even kidding. I was at a potluck dinner at our church recently. Small thing, just about 10 folks including our pastor. Hubs was at work so I was being super mom with both kids and ghetto paella. We're doing a game and my son is off with some older boys who have repeatedly promised me that they will not let my son walk out the front doors, through the parking lot, across the highway and off the cliff into the ocean, and my daughter is on the stage playing with a friend and some other tinies. While trying to do this game/interactive thing I am also watching my daughter. She is being supervised by my friend, but I am also keeping watch, while our pastor is having a great laugh at me as I am visibly having to calm myself down and not leap across the table and rush the tiny stage to save my daughter from getting too close to the edge. I've become the mom that has to stuff the helicopter back into the hangar every 10 minutes. I've gotten pretty good about it with my son. He took a spill on new year's day and while everyone was freaking out, I was calmly letting them know that he was fine. I was that chill mom that was letting her kid dust himself off. But I am having to learn it all over again with my daughter. Poor hubs is...stressed. Everything about our kids stresses him out. He has yet to figure out how chill out with 1 child, forget 2. So we are 2 wound up tight people who can remember what it was like before we were parents and wound up. We still dream of big granite walls, pine needle covered floors, and the sound of waterfalls. We still dream the dream.

Being a parent doesn't mean that we stopped having a life. It doesn't mean that we aren't the same people. I mean...we aren't the same people, but we want the same things and we are struggling to reconcile who we are and what we want. We need to figure out how to reconcile those two things. And so, as my husband is off doing that military thing across the country for a few months I have been preparing to refind all those beautiful things that I love and that got stuffed away when I started having kids. Not that my life ended, but that I put some things on hold so that I could be with my kids for the first year of their lives. Because while I no longer want to be super stay at home home, I do want to have these memories. I want my kids to get all the mom they want, no work to interfere, in the first year. I know that for my sanity though, I need to have my kids go to school. Maybe I'll be an 80% stay at home mom, take a few clients as I see fit, but also, I want to get back to the things that I love and those things are a part of having my kids. I want to share those things with my kids, but if I walk away permanently from them, then I can't share those things with my kids. I am investing in myself, and my kids, by getting back to what I love. To keep myself from missing my husband too much I am going to get back to hiking, running, photography, I'm going to keep teaching my son to fish (maybe we'll use real bait this year), I'm going to make my daughter's first doll, play my guitar until my fingers bleed, I'm going to invest in myself and the things that I am passionate about. Because that is investing in the 2 people I am most passionate about: my kids.

ps. When hubs get back, we'll have to make sure he is investing in the things that he is passionate about too. Maybe he'll chill out a bit...a girl can dream.

The Tidy Home Myth

First, let me get this out of the way.

If you have a perfectly tidy home or think that everyone should, I am going to invoke the words of Hellen Mirren:

FUCK OFF!!

For the rest of us:

Don't let those people get you down. I read a blog post today about how to have a company ready clean house everyday.

Here's the thing I've learned through my life as a wife and mother and we'll as a human being. This is all crap. I do these things. Almost every single one (I don't make my bed, though I may start because it does look nice), and my house is still a damn wreck.

Baskets/bins? Got it!
Dishes run at night? On it!
Laundry is a daily thing!
Clean as I cook? Do it!
Clean one area every other week? Psh, every week!
The fridge? Ya, hubs has got that covered!

Seriously, we've got these lists covered in spades!

REALITY
I have 2 small children. I put my dishes away most mornings and load the dishwasher throughout the days as needed. But I have 2 small kids. So sometimes, I don't get to it until 10 am or nap time. After I put my babes to bed at night I rotate the laundry, folding whatever is in the dryer and drying whatever is in the washer. The next morning I will start refilling the washer. But at night? Once they are asleep there isn't any laundry to do, because, after bath time I collect all the laundry and start the washer. By the time they are asleep the washer has finished and clothes ready for the dryer.

I love wipes! Clorox, Lysol, Windex, Scrubbing Bubbles etc. They make my life easier. Have a spare 2 minutes? Grab a wipe and get the counters! Grab a wipe and get all the mirrors in the house! This is how a good chunk of my cleaning gets done. I have a spare minute here and there So I grab a wipe and start cleaning something. Toilet seats and tanks, counters, table top, glass stove top, sliding glass door, microwave door, mirrors etc. I wipe down door knobs toos! I meal prep, wipes are good for this too. (Raw poultry sucks). Makes my clean up easier and frees up some time. I don't just meal prep, I plate prep. Each night I set out the serviceware and/or cookware for breakfast. Glasses, bowls, spoons, plates, forks, skillet, waffle iron, whatever it may be. I prep!!

Dude, I use Clorox tabs in my toilet tanks just to make cleaning easier. I have a Roomba, that I love and use multiple times a week. I take every step to keep my home clean. But do you know what happens?

LOVE HAPPENS

A tiny tyrannical three year old whirls through my house like a tornado and BAM! It looks like I was raised in a barn and trying to raise my own kids in one. My husband comes home, and frankly I would rather snuggle up in bed with him than cling to my routine. My infant needs all of me for an entire day and we cloth diaper so that effects our laundry cycles. My beloved canine side kick decides every towel in the house smells so damn good he must roll on all of them. Drag them out into an open space and roll all over dispersing his hair like gold coins to the peasants in Disney's Three Musketeers (redistribute the wealth). Now I must wash more laundry, and vacuum more. And do know how much time for me and for sleep this leaves??

NONE

Absolutely none. That's why, when my husband is home, I don't panic or flip out that the house gets worse, the dishes aren't all cleaned, laundry isn't fully finished, folded, and put away. I don't mind the toothpaste spray on my bathroom mirror. Because for the short periods that he's home, loving him, being loved by him, and loving our kids together...that is so much more important!! That is what keeps me going. That is the gold of life. My husband always wants to leave me with less mess, less to take care of and do. But in doing so he leaves me with less of him. So I continually stress that he doesn't need to. Because loving on him and being loved by him, that's a part of self care. That's the part that feeds into my soul and our marriage. Makes me strives to be a better me.

I told our housing person the other day that I don't keep a clean house, just so that other people can feel good about their homes. I'm considerate like that. She politely laughed, but trust me; should she ever get married and have kids someday she will appreciate my comment more.

Love is like a hurricane..

I might get preachy here. I ask for your indulgence now.

Those of you who know me (like you've stood opposite me sort of know me; not just read this blog), and call me friend know a few things about me. Some of those things:

•I'm sassy. Too much sass at times. My husband really should not have joined the military with a wife this sassy.

•I'm outspoken. Another reason a wife like me is a disadvantage in the military.

•I swear.

•I believe that Jesus is my personal Lord and Savior. He is the Messiah...and I swear.

•I believe in science

•I'm sarcastic

•I'm empathetic

•I love my husband beyond reason and justification

•I LOVE margaritas

Let's leave the list there for now. That's really all we need for the purposes of this entry.

Marriage fucking sucks

Dude, I love the man. My love for him aside I could read you a laundry list of the shit he has done to piss me off, hurt me, damage our relationship, our financial stability, our families...the list could go on for awhile. The list that I could rattle off right now, and any second of any day (because I'm a freaking elephant and am cursed with the inability to forget), includes things that many many people consider deal breakers. My Bible would let me walk away guilt free. You know what wouldn't let me walk away? LOVE.

The list doesn't matter. And some of you have let me sob tears and snot into your shoulders at some really low points. So hear me when I say that the list truly doesn't matter.

What matters?
Humility.
Love.
Grace.
Compassion.
Faith.

People like to say that their marriage is the most important thing. That their kids come second to their marriage. I don't believe in this. Some say that their kids come before their marriage, that their children will always be more important. With the exception of abuse, I don't believe in this. I say that the family matters most. Anyone who has kids knows that what I am about to say is truth. If you and your spouse are fighting, your kids behavior will suffer. If you and your spouse aren't on the same page, your kids will suffer. If you and your spouse aren't having enough sex, your kids will suffer. (Do it for the kids...I'm going to hell). You can't really place kids over marriage or marriage over kids. It doesn't work like that. How does it work? It's a living breathing monster that evolves everyday. Some days there is better clarity, and you can see your own faults better than the days before. Some days it's foggier than Fresno, Ca and you can't see past the next 10 minutes. You hate your spouse, the kids are screaming, you can't hear yourself think, and you just realized that you went out in public with a leaky boob. Some days, the world is perfect and you know with absolute certainty that everything is as it should.

How Am I Still Married?

It's simple. My husband is amazing at forgiving me and I am amazing at loving him. It's a weird thing. Forgiveness is the only way that a marriage makes it in this world. And, if you believe in Jesus, we have the most perfect model of forgiveness. No matter what you've done, Jesus still loves you, still died for you, still got your back man. Who in your life can you say that about? I doubt many marriages can say that about themselves. I don't know that mine can.

There's a second part to this, and it's maybe even more important than the first part. We struggle everyday to learn the others strength. I struggle to learn to be more forgiving...or to at least get there quicker. A cousin of mine once laughed about me being unforgiving. He laughed because he knows that sooner or later (usually later) I will forgive - I'm not an unforgiving person. But my husband is the forgiving guru that I study under. And he struggles everyday to love me in the most awesome way. Believe me, it's not easy to love someone so completely and show them that love in a way that is meaningful to them.

"She's worth more than she's ever dreamed of."

Forgiveness is easy to give in the face of amazing love. My husband is naturally a very forgiving person. He doesn't hold a grudge too often. But think about this: even he can grow angry and bitter. I've seen it. I've seen my husband hurl his phone across a room and shatter it into pieces after an angry call with his mom. A situation so deadlocked in anger and bitterness, my husband lost his Dudeness. How do you forgive? How do we make it easier to be forgiven? Not in a Savior/mortal relationship but in a marriage between 2 measly humans. We love amazingly. We love with our whole hearts. We love from every corner of our being. We push ourselves out of our comfort for them. We learn them. We learn their quirks, facial expressions, body language, sighs, how they hold a pen. We become students of who they are. Each day is another page in the textbook of Them that we study; and each day is the practical application of what we've learned.

When you love like that, it's easier to forgive you when you misstep. When you falter. When you sin against your marriage. And by easy, I mean not as fucking hard. If you were loved like that, couldn't you forgive better. Wouldn't your heart heal quicker? The wounds wouldn't fester and rot causing the need for amputation. They would heal. Some wounds take longer than others; and we're not perfect so our forgiveness isn't either. But you would be more willing to commit to the forgiveness and relationship if you were loved by an all encompassing love.

David Crowder sings this song, and the most telling line about love, and forgiveness in the face of amazing love, is this:

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way; how He loves us.

If your spouse loved you with an amazing love would you really have time to dwell on the bad stuff? If you loved your spouse like this, would they have time to dwell on the bad stuff?

My husband is worth more to me than he has ever dreamed. I love him deeper than he will ever fully comprehend. We get in fights and we have to work at this shit every fucking day. He pisses me off, I piss him off, we cry...it's marriage and it's fucking hard. But that's what makes it great. We work because he is amazing at forgiving me and I am amazing at loving him. And my love for him, it's worse than Jewish guilt, Catholic guilt, and Irish guilt combined. (Is that a thing?) I will keep making it easier to forgive me. Because Lord knows, we need something to be easier.

I Need to Sing

"Zachary! Shh...inside voices."
"I singing mom."

Hello guilt. I am suddenly convicted. You see, I want my children to grow into fabulously creative and physical people. I want them to be of strong mind, body, and faith. And there I was telling my toddler not to be. I know plenty of people who will say that I wasn't doing anything wrong. They will say that I was teaching him to use an appropriate volume. But they are wrong. They are wrong because you do NOT teach a toddler about volume control by telling them to be quieter. 

a)"quieter" holds no meaning to them.

b) they take your words as a negative of what they are doing, not how.

So if you want to teach them about volume control you must demonstrate it. 'Show and tell and duplicate' is the way toddlers learn. They are physical and emotional creatures. The epitome of kinesthetic learning is a toddler.

Now...let's be real for a minute. I didn't want him yelling his song because his yelling upsets his baby sister and she will start crying. It's not like my motives were awful. I just wanted to get home from church before she let loose her vocal stylings. I did not succeed, by the way.

So now I am struggling. Where is the line drawn? It's nap time. What is my toddler doing? Singing up a song about dinosaurs and turtle shells. He is not sleeping. How do I approach this and not crush the creative and sensitive soul that is my son?

I don't have an answer.

Motherly Advice to You. Love, Me

I just cannot even begin with this. Today I had a revelation in parenting. It came after a particularly unsettling moment with my son. You see, my toddler is a tyrannical three year old. Threenager is a ridiculous title for this age. Teenagers have the words to express themselves, three year old do not and that is why their behavior is so...tyrannical. Terroristic even. Some days I have PTSD flashbacks from parenting a toddler.

Today though, my toddler was walking about telling anyone who would listen that dinosaurs are beautiful. I have heard this a google times. I was not really listening. We were walking the dog so I was more worried about my son running off into the street than dinosaurs. And then it happened. My son saw an older lady (maybe 60s) and he beamed so bright and wide that I was smiling.

"DINOSAURS BE BEAUTIFUL!!"
"Dinosaurs are not beautiful young man. They are scary. You should teach your son the difference."

My son's face fell. He went from irrationally happy about his dinosaurs to furious in the those short seconds that this stranger spoke to us. His soul crushed. He raised his fist with his response and with anger in his voice,

"THEY NOT BE SCARY!!"

I was so shocked the woman walked away before I could process what happened. My son now angry at the world would not tolerate our walk any longer. So I knelt down and I asked to see his dinosaur. I told him how much I liked his dinosaur's stripes, and claws, and teeth etc. I told him that his dinosaur was beautiful. Then, I channeled one of our personal heros,

"She's an adult. Most adults forget they were children and all adults forget, for a time at least, what is really important."

"Impotent?"

"Like how beautiful dinosaurs are."

He beamed again and we finished our walk. The rest of our walk I thought about that moment. I thought about his fallen face. I thought about what I will say if he ever comes to me with questions about how to handle things like his with his own kids someday. Or worse yet, would he agree with that woman? I came to a simple solution. It starts today. Moments like this, moments of parenting struggle and strife amd triumph, I will write them down. I will write him letters about things as they happen. I started a cover letter for him of course.

"My Little Prince,

Your father has been calling you that since day one. It helps to remind him that you will see things with fresh eyes and eyes of wonder. It helps him to remember that he needs to tread lightly with you. By the time you read this letter, and those accompanying it, you will be an adult and I will hopefully be a grandmother. On either your 30th birthday or the baby shower for your first child I will give you these. Letters on how your father and I have handled various parenting decisions and messes. People always want to give advice years down the road. But I will not likely remember as truly then as I do now. So I am writing them now, when the memory is fresh. You can read them at your leisure. Maybe these will be bound in a book for you. On weather proof paper, because trust me, life requires it. After you have read them you may wish to tell me how I did it all wrong. And I will accept your criticisms, on one condition; you must be a parent first. You must have joined this tribe of sleep deprived people first.

I love you beyond belief.

Mom
•xo• "

Military Family Resources v. Parenting Summit 2015

I want to dispel the myth of resources for those who have families in the military and trying to raise kids within the military schedule and life. There are two types of military families and there are only resources for one of those types. The first type has all the resources. These are the people who are in the military (one or both spouses) and decide to have kids. They get all the help. They also have it infinitely easier than the second type. Military family type 2 (MFT2) are those families that join the military. We are MFT2. We brought 1.5 kids into the military (pregnant when we started on this journey). This is a whole different beast.

Why MFT1 has it easier:

• The adults were already (for the most part) adjusted to the military way of life.
• The conversation of having kids was radically different and predicated on the knowledge of a military lifestyle.
• The children will never know any different.
• The various military branches have resources for you.

Why MFT2 is fighting an uphill battle (and Gen. Patton isn't here to give us a rousing battle speech):

• Mom and/or Dad have to adjust to the new lifestyle. While adults do this much faster than children, they do not always do it gracefully.
• The family planning conversation was based on civilian life. Example, our decision to have kids included the statement, "I don't want to be a single parent, we both have to be in this." Military spouses of the world, enjoy the laugh.
• These kids have to adjust to the military life. The moving, the work schedule, the moving, the training, the moving, the making new friends, and the moving. Coda. (<-- for the musicians)
• The branches have no resources for you, because they do not know how to tell you that parenting is hard on its own and you decided to master the Kobayashi Maru of parenting. (<--for the trekkies)

MFT2 in reality, not theory:
We came into the military with a toddler and one on the way. The military was not in the plan. But life handed us lemons and we joined the military...no cleverness there at all, sorry my brain is currently mush. I did NOT, and still do not, want to be a single parent. Thus my husband must always be there for the kids and myself as per the agreement we made when we decided to have kids. The military is laughing in my face right now. "Husband? Father? Pft. Maybe in a year or two, right now he is just passing through." Okay, so that conversation and plan was already in place when we joined.

I hate moving. That is really all you need to know on that subject, it sums up everything quite nicely. I hate moving. There is no part that I enjoy or find any beauty or pleasure in. I am not a rolling stone, I am fucking moss.

I hate moving and thus my necessary time to adjust is...3-5 months. I also...do not like being forced to socialize. I am like a scared dog. If you try to engage me when I am brand new, I might bite you. Leave me alone and I will come to you...eventually. This also means that my ability to parent is severely stunted by my own difficulty adjusting.

My son's life looked like this for the 18 months prior to my husband joining the military: daddy home all the time, mommy at work and school 6 days a week, beloved pet chickens, lots of walks with the dog.

My son's life with the military: daddy disappeared for 8 weeks, came home and 48 hours later our house was packed and we were driving to another state. Daddy went straight to work and mommy is now home all the time. Five weeks later daddy's schedule changes and now he is home only 14 days out of the month. Two days later baby sister is born and daddy gets 10 days leave for baby bonding, then back to being home only 14(ish) days a month. Sometimes, daddy does not come home when he is supposed to because some admiral or captain or whatever comes to our station and daddy has to stay late, or it is range day, or open house day or because its Tuesday. The possibilities are endless on why he is not home. Baby sister is not going anywhere, daddy is not home nearly as much as our son would like and there is no regular schedule to his life as a result.

RESOURCES AND THE HUNT FOR THE RED OCTOBER:
So my son's life is in chaos and he is acting out. He is acting out with violence. Now, we are not bad parents. We saw this. We struggled trying to figure it out. We decided that the best way to change this would be to get on the same page parenting. We would have a debriefing of sorts on off going duty days (for civilians, this is the day he comes home). So coffee date where we discuss what I need to know on the military end, what he needs to know on the family end, plans for his time home, and general chatting about the world. Unfortunately, this was too late. Our son's behavior exploded the following week. My amazing husband took some last minute leave to come home and have time to sort this all out. In the talking about it, what could we do, where could we find help, how do we help him, we discovered some things. The resources for military families are specifically aimed at MFT1, and so are all the milso blogs. Civilians think the military has resources for you, or maybe your church. The church might, but not really the military. So what did we do? What are we doing? Well, my husband is folding laundry and I am typing this with my thumbs on my phone.

We pulled every imaginable resource. In a moment of desperation I emailed the sector chaplain, I asked friends out of town if we could come seek refuge there to figure this all out, and I prayed. I prayed a lot. The chaplain is the one military resource that you always have, in every situation. They are great people and the one assigned to our area has a great sense of humor and as a parent he has an understanding of the parenting struggles. Our friends let us come and they kept our son so busy and watched him for us that we could have a conversation about parenting in the military and what that will look like for us. We had tried to get some help from our branches family support section...they were useless. They offered family counseling a hour away from where we live.

You see we had to get away. If we had stayed home we would have done the laundry, washed the dishes, cleaned the house, worked on the car, done anything but what we needed to do. We live in a state of damage control right now. If the hubs is home, it's time to get caught up on the things I missed while he was on duty. So we needed to leave town to make sure we did what we needed to do.

Red October aka Parenting Summit 2015:
We talked and talked about things. We made a list of the issues at hand and ways we can approach these situations and decided what we would try first. We made an agreement that every 3 months we would do this again, while the time between summits we would minorly tweak things, no major tweaks until we had a chance to discuss it in depth. We talked about our short comings as parents, how we could do better, how to handle the upcoming training, how to be better spouses. Part of parenting is being responsible for teaching your kids how to have relationships and the most important human to human relationship is the one that is with the other parent of your child(ren). We returned home recharged and ready to conquer the world. It promptly fell apart. Changing habits is hard, and we lost our mojo halfway through day one. But there is always tomorrow.

Even the most family friendly military branch is filled with people who are not kind nor understanding to your struggle. Just this morning I read a young woman's question about whether or not her husband would be able to call home over the impending holidays. He will be at basic and not home with her and their kids. She asked about the holiday protocol for recruits. She got verbally back handed for asking. People do not understand the difficulty of this life. My heart broke for her. She was not trying to ruin anything (though some decided she was), she was just trying to get some information so that she could prepare herself and her kids for what to expect. I get this. I do not know how to help her. I wish I could give her a hug. We are not alone, but the military sure does do a good job of making us feel alone.

This is not about raising a family in the military, it is about joining the military as a family.