The Same, Only Braver

      I did something recently I've wanted to do for over a decade: I shaved my head. Or rather, my husband did. I didn't bic it, but got the clippers out and after chopping off the bulk of the length (some 16 inches) my husband started the messy work of buzzing it off. He stopped once to have me wash it, because there was too much loose hair gunking up the clippers. It was at this break in the journey that he asked me if I wanted to keep any of the remaining length on top. I actually liked the general look so we devised a plan to keep it and shorten the rest of my hair. I will be donating the length of my hair from this adventure, since there was plenty to spare.

      It has taken me over a decade to work up the courage to do it. And the responses...are mixed. Why did it take me so long to do something I've wanted and that is essentially not even that big of deal? I mean, it's hair and it grows back. It's because I have very little self confidence when it comes to my looks. Ask my husband and he will tell you that I always refer to him as the pretty one. Not even on my wedding day did I feel beautiful. I see myself through the harsh and critically disappointed lense of my mother. Not to say that my mom feels that way about me; anyone who knows her knows how she feels about her kids. But I think that, like many women, I feel the pressure to live up to their mother's expectations. Also, my mom tends toward the idea that women have hair of a certain length. Certainly my father does; but he is from a different era entirely. Anyways, here are some of the things people have said since I cut the hair.

      "You chopped all your hair off? At 6:30 in the morning? Did you have proper coffee before embarking on this adventure?" (I sent her the picture @0630 my time)

     "Wow...it suits you..."

     "It looks good on you."
     "You're a woman, you're supposed to have hair. You cannot go GI Jane your hair and be respected. What did your husband say when you came home from getting it cut?"

     "Those are some nerdy glasses." 

     ...silence... 

And the most important comment made, I want every person to read:

"I wish I had supported you sooner. I'm sorry. Because maybe if I had you'd know how beautiful you are and you are. It looks like you were always meant to have your hair this way. I should have supported you, that is my job and I failed you. You are beautiful and I'm kicking myself for not getting on board sooner."

      My husband ladies and gentlemen. Love that man. When putting our son to bed that night he asked me if I cut my hair so that I could be a different girl. I answered that I did it so that I can be the same girl, only braver. Because it takes a lot to let go of perceived expectations of my parents and to fully embrace the me I want to be, meet the standards and expectations I set for myself. Someday my kids will be faced with their own expectations of self, their thoughts on the expectations their dad and I have for them. And to that, I need them to know that it is the expectations they have for themselves that matter the most and that I will always support them. It is my ardent hope that they find a partner that supports them. I think that it's important to feel beautiful by one's own standards. I will never be beautiful by society's standards, but by my own-I get there everyday. I hope my kids see that. I pray that they see beauty in places unconventional, by the influences of their own hearts and by their own standards of beauty.