I'm sorry

My dear beautiful baby boy,

Mommy is sorry. You are my first baby, and mommy and daddy have made a ton of mistakes. In just about 3 years, we have made a lot of mistakes. Its sort of a miracle you are still alive. You are the front line of our parenting battle, the proving ground of our parenting worthiness. You are our treasure. At 5 weeks premature we were all so lucky that you had no serious complications and you nursed like a pro!! First thing you did kiddo, umbilical cord still tethering you to me and BOOM!!

Our first 2 years together weren't terribly frught with parental errors. At least not the damaging sort. Jobs lost and gained, military basic training, the struggle of juggling school, mommyhood, working, and showing you my love for you...you won't remember these struggles. They won't have major effects on your life. But, since about 2 and a half we have been embattled in trying to provide boundaries for you, and you pushing them every second of the day. You are loud (I'm sorry, you got that from me), you like to build things, you like to destroy things, you have really BIG emotions (again, sorry that was me). You have a big full life ahead of you. You got, maybe, a little too much of me. We'll see if you temper out with time. You love big and irrationally, you have anger that is loud and you are struggling to keep it from being physical. And as your parents, its our job to help with these things. It is our job to help you learn to guard your heart, and understand your anger. These are very grown up concepts. They are not something that my almost 3 year old can grasp. So how do we build the blocks to get you there?

That is where the battlefield lies. In building those blocks. The blocks that help you understand your emotions, how to experience them in a socially appropriate way, but also in a way that is authentic to who you are as a person. (And that my child seems impossible - even as an adult). The blocks that give you a foundation of love, compassion, and understanding. To accomplish all of this without being permissive... It might just kill us all. This is where we are failing. As you have entered this big phase in your own life and development, we, your loving parents, have entered a different phase too. Parents to two, being a military family, daddy being gone (A LOT), finding time to keep our marriage alive (you and your sister are counting on that, even if you don't realize it yet). These two phases are not easy to streamline together. But we try. Every day, we try. We are exhausted, beaten down, and feeling defeated. But we dig a little deeper and try for you and for your sister.

One thing that I know you will learn is how to apologize, mean it, and live it out. Because we do a lot of that with you. We humble ourselves in our errors, we tell you that we are sorry (sometimes the sorrow is so hard there are tears), and we try again to do better. That last bit, that is the key to a sincere apology. That you strive to do better. If we can give you nothing else, you will get that one thing. And I will have to learn to be okay with that, because that will get you pretty far in life.

Your sister will benefit from you being the first; we won't make as many mistakes with her. Already, we know how to handle various things (like teething, night feedings, crankiness) better. But we want more for you than to be our lab rat. So every day we will keep trying.

And now, I have to put a shirt on and stop you from using toilet bowl cleaner on the coffee table...Lord, help me?

Love,
Me.

0'Dark30

You have got to be kidding me. Its what time? Go back to sleep kid. Shh...whisper, if you wake your baby sister...okay, I'm up let's go into the living room. Where are daddy's sweat pants? Got it. That's a wall. Okay, here is some non expired yogurt and granola. How do I work my Keurig again...? Let me dump my oats and raisins into this bowl, add water, microwave for 3 minutes...baby is still asleep. Here's Netflix on the Nook, now let mommy get her 30 minute work out in before baby sister wakes up...fuck! Okay, pause and dash. Change baby, love on her, dress her...why does this onesie have so many snaps!? Remote out of toddler reach, oats on the table baby in left arm (the only arm her highness will permit me to carry her in), where's my water? Oh, got it. At least I can sit and have a relaxing breakfast...you shouldn't stand on the stool (queue screaming), that's why.

This, this is every freaking day of my life. This is what it looks like to try to be wonder woman.

My child is doing something in the other room that sounds...like there's no sound and therefore needs immediate attention...legos, right, where are my shoes?

This is what it looks like. I can barely believe I function and I'm in utter awe that my kids are still alive and my precious dog hasn't run away. No joke, he puts up with a lot.

There's a lot of talk about how moms need to take care of themselves first. Can't take care of anyone else if you are run down. Right?

Toddler made a noise...legos and we're wearing the infant insert for the Ergo as a hat...

Self care...the problem is that we approach motherhood with this belief that our self care must come in a block of time set aside each day for us to just be...us. To find our peace and our center. But then...BAM, reality hits you right in the face. Your exhausted, can't remember when I showered last, do I even have toothpaste for these teeth, face. Seriously, get some freaking toothpaste, your teeth are furry. You can't remember your name much less how to achieve some sense of self and peace. And that block of time? When is that going to happen? Right...as the new proud daddy freaks the hell out because the baby cries if it's not with you...uh-huh.

Welcome to motherhood. Now let's have a real chat about what self care really looks like.

At some point during my day I will finish that 30 minutes of working out. When? I can't say. I will try again whenever the opportunity arises. Even if that's after both kids are in their own beds, asleep. It WILL happen. I have a cup of cold coffee on my stove. I will drink it and it will be hot (okay warm) when I do. See its Sunday. And on Sundays we go to church. If you aren't church going people, rethink that right now. Its called free child care. They watch your kids while you sit in service, and in my case, sip on my warm coffee. Rethink it, seriously. You get to sit down and be undisturbed. Its lovely. My dog? He will get a walk. My toddler loves to take the dog for a walk and my leash is meant to attach to your waist. So he has it around his waist, leash clipped to dog, baby in Ergo, and the center of the leash is in my hand. Its kind of perfect. So, endorphins from the walk, more endorphins from the work out, caffeine from the coffee...I can make it through this day. Oh and there's nap time. Think I'm kidding? My toddler will go down for a nap despite his best efforts to fight me on this. He has yet to win. He wins with his dad, but not me. My dog will get fed...soon in fact. He will get fed, I will get the tiny toddler monster on the potty, dressed, and shod.

I know you're thinking that at least when my husband gets home I'll get some reprieve. Wrong! My husband will be home...sometime tomorrow. I'll get to see h for a day and a halfish and then he's gone again. My reprieve is that some times, while he is at work, we can visit him for dinner. Where he parents and I get to eat a meal with two free hands. That's my exciting reprieve. When my husband is home he does help out. But then I am not just a mom. Then, I am a wife too. And that's it's own can of worms.

I just remembered that I was going to be super mom and make blueberry muffins for breakfast.

See, self care isn't about a chunk of time set aside. At least, not when you're a mom to small children. Its about finding time to do things that help you function at your best. Like coffee, working out, sitting down for a minute. I read books in 10 minute increments because when my husband is home, I go hide in the car with a book for 10 minutes. Sometimes, I drive to the beach and read. (The beach is 2 minutes away).

Okay, back to being Wonder Mom.